To even know where to begin is hard. I haven't blogged about life in so long, mostly because it is hard. LIFE is hard. And although I know it could be worse, some people have it far worse than I, it continues to be difficult for me. I am being relentlessly bent and tried and although I know my Lord won't give me anything I can't handle, I often times feel as though I'm breaking inside. There is nothing I love more than to turn on my radio in my car and hear those exact words I need right at that moment and feel as if they were meant directly for me. There have been so many times where I want to give up on my God, because how is this life fair? And then he sends me his voice through music and I just simply can't do it. Although I know He has a plan for me and everything that is happening, putting my full trust in Him and giving up all control has been one of the hardest things I have ever done. I have gotten to the point where I am completely lost and have no other option but to look up to Him, hold out my arms and just ask Him to hold me and take it from here.
...How is this life fair? How do some people end up in such a good place and I here? So confused and alone (although I know I am not alone, I still feel like there is no one on this earth who has gone through the exact things I am going through). What did I do to deserve to be where I'm standing today? Is it something I have done or is it because He believes I'm a stronger person and can handle it? These are questions that cross my mind every single day. I've made decisions, not always the wisest, that got me where I am today. But, in every bad decision I have made (because I am human and make mistakes), I'm still a good person and in my heart have always had a place for the Lord. So why ME? This entire paragraph is the exact reason why I don't want to blog anymore. Because I don't want pity, I don't want sympathy, I don't feel bad for myself. I just wonder and feel these things constantly.
This is what gets me through each and every day. I will never give up on myself because I know the Lord will never give up on me or leave me to do it all alone.
